Misconceptions of Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

Spontaneous desire is often when we see in the movies. You see something or someone arousing (or even have an arousing thought) and boom, you want sex. It's a desire that quickly clicks on and is easy to identify. The desire comes first, then you act on the desire.

Responsive desire is very common, but less widely understood. Sexual desire comes after the sexual intimacy has begun. People with responsive desire often need the environment and the interactions leading up to sex to feel safe, sensual, and emotionally connected in order for the sexual intimacy to begin, and then consequently, the sexual desire to arise.

Often when these two ways of experiencing desire are introduced and defined, misconceptions end up forming. Here's where we debunk the misconceptions.

1. Spontaneous desire is the goal. When you're in a mixed desire-type couple, the one with the responsive desire is the one who needs to do the work. Both types of desire are equally valid. In a mixed desire-type couple, it does pose a challenge, but it does not mean the responsive desire partner is the only one that needs to adjust. This involves understanding the responsive desire partner, how they get in the mood, what environmental factors need to be in place, etc. It takes patience on the spontaneous partner's part. It also involves honoring the spontaneous partner's desire for spontaneity in a way that works for both partners. Navigating this is challenging, but it can be done!
   

2. All cis men have spontaneous desire and all cis women have responsive desire. Dr. Emily Nagoski shares in her book, Come As You Are, that 15% of cis women experience spontaneous desire, compared to 75% of cis men. Therefore, while there is a clear majority in both of these categories, it is most definitely not all.
   

3. You're either one or the other. Spontaneous and responsive desire are two ends of a spectrum and every sexual person falls somewhere along the spectrum, and can move up and down the spectrum on any given day. While there is usually some consistency, is it also possible that one person may have moments where desire feels very spontaneous, and moments where their desire feels very responsive.
   

4. It stays the same your whole life. Many people find that when they are younger, their desire is more spontaneous, and as they get older, it shifts to be more responsive; and vice versa. Sometime hormonal shifts can create a change. Sometimes a new partner leads someone to experience desire differently. Lifestyle factors, medications, stress levels, life events, etc. can all change how a person experiences desire.

Understanding the way your own desire operates can be very useful in cultivating a healthy and satisfying sex life. This quiz is a good place to start! https://sextherapypro.ai/desire-quiz